Bottle Opener - Aperture Science Ethanol Liberation Device

Welcome, test subject, to the cutting edge of beverage accessibility technology! Introducing the Aperture Science Ethanol Liberation Device, a revolutionary tool designed to free your favorite fermented fluids from their cylindrical prisons.

This isn't just a bottle opener – it's a portal to refreshment, a key to unlocking the secrets of relaxation, and quite possibly the most important scientific instrument you'll ever own (at least until we perfect the Handheld Portal Device).

Crafted from materials that definitely won't tear a hole in the space-time continuum, this sleek and efficient device harnesses the power of leverage and a healthy disregard for bottle cap oppression. It's been rigorously tested by our team of thirsty scientists to ensure optimal performance in both laboratory and real-world settings.

Features include:

• 100% more science than your average bottle opener
• Guaranteed to not become sentient and try to kill you
• Opens bottles without the need for neurotoxin or AI assistance
• Tested on hundreds of test subjects (all of whom survived, mostly)

Perfect for:

• Aspiring mad scientists
• Portal enthusiasts
• Those who believe the cake is a lie, but the beer is very real
• Anyone who's ever wanted to feel like they're doing important research while drinking

Remember, the Aperture Science Ethanol Liberation Device is not just opening bottles – it's advancing the cause of science. And relaxation. But mostly science.

Warning: May cause sudden urges to "do science," talk to inanimate objects, or sing songs about still being alive. Aperture Science is not responsible for any interdimensional rifts, paradoxes, or hangovers resulting from use of this device.

Order now, and let's do some aperture science! For science. You monster.